if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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