i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
