I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
