Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
