i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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