My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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