And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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