I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
