so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
