Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
