I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
