I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
