Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
