Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
