You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
