I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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