Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
