Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
