): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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