I think I died a long time ago.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
