I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
