How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
