well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
