maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
