you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
