I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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