it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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