I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
