you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
