New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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