did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
