I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I stole a fireplace last night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
