I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
