youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
