I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
