I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
