After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
