90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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