im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
