my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
