he thought i was a dude.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
