Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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