he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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