WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
