she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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