I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
