glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
