If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
