My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
