My liver just broke up with me...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
