I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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