My cat gives me a boner
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
