you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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