i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
